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And the next person I hear bemoaning it being “Singles Awareness Day” is gonna get slapped.  Wallowing in self pity over being single is Not Attractive.

Trust me, there are much worse things than being single on Valentine’s Day.  Being with someone who spends the entire day complaining that society forced them to buy you flowers ain’t that great.

If you’ve got someone, have a great day doing sweet things for them.  If you’re on your own, go do some sweet things for yourself and enjoy the day anyway.  Sit yourself down and watch some Olympic biathlon – cause nothing says love and romance and happy days like skis, guns and a sport that started a World War.

And consider yourself smooched.

Though there has been a bit of Festivus action today, on the whole it’s gone better than I thought it would.  We did accidentally wake her up from a nap, which had her in a bit of a mood for the first half of the afternoon.  (She doesn’t nap on any kind of consistent schedule, so the only way we could guarantee not waking her would be to not show up at all.)

She actually decided that eating in was preferable to standing in line for over an hour for the exact same food.  However, we did near come to blows over the microwave…  She doesn’t use it, and has decided it is broken, which must be why she doesn’t use it.  No, she doesn’t use it because she can’t even begin to read any of the buttons and can’t remember what order to hit them in.*  Then even if it did work, she was sure I wouldn’t know how to use it, because it’s not the same model as mine.

But, we finally got past all that and had a relatively pleasant dinner.

The Snuggie seemed to be a hit, (yes, we got her a Snuggie, no I am not proud of it) though I wish I had remembered how damn big those things are (it’s pretty obvious from the ads that they’re huge) and had I been smart I would have opened it up before we left and hemmed it up, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?

Despite feeling like death, and it greatly affecting my mood to the negative side, I am happy to say there have been no knock down-drag out fights yet, and even today when she was getting a touch on the bitchy side, I did not take the bait.

*Thankfully others bring her home cooked stuff so it’s not like she lives 100% on cold food.  But would certainly do so if left to her own devices.

Either my grandmother will recognize I took some initiative to make Christmas dinner just as tradtional but 100x easier, or I have ruined Christmas.

I made an executive decision this year, and it was that we would NOT be going to JB’s for Christmas dinner.  It is a perfectly fine place, but it is the only place that is open on Christmas day in Sun City, and as such, it is a madhouse.  Unless you get there the minute they open for the morning brunch, you can count on a minimum of a 1 hour wait.  There are not enough places to sit when waiting, and given that it is Sun City, about 2/3 of the guests NEED to sit while waiting.  Finally, it is a buffet, which is near impossible for my grandmother to navigate with the cane & balance issues.

Yet, she has made noises about doing it again this year.  (I suspect she has forgotten the buffet/insane asylum aspect of it.)  Rather than even argue it, we are just going to surprise her.

With the help of Safeway’s deli & prepared foods department, we’re heading over with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, pasta salad and rolls.  Everything we could get at JB’s without the wait or standing in line to get it, and without the noise and insanity of being stuffed in a small restaurant with 120 other people.  (I also fully admit this may be nothing more subconscious revenge for the year she arrived and simply announced we would be having ham for Christmas dinner and that was that.  I beleive that was also the year I banned her from my kitchen.)

This one really could go either way.

I brought the laptop to the condo so we could avoid going to the bank.  I think we almost have my grandmother convinced that her checkbook is in fact up to date and perfect and matches the bank records and we don’t need to run that little hellish errand.  (She has quite the reputation at the bank, and it’s not a good one.  I am still surprised that no one there has called Social Services on her.)

Of course, now I am just using the laptop because my god, no offense to my grandmother, it is so incredibly boring here, cause we don’t talk about anything besides her checkbook, taxes, or death.  And I can certainly talk about her checkbook and surf the internet all at the same time – I am quite the multitasker.  I also need to keep track of where Santa is, dammit.  I think keeping my sanity intact is very important, lest I start saying what I’m thinking out loud.

Today’s conversations have been split between the checkbook and the fact that our presence has thrown her day into disarray.  Her nose is also out of joint because Sharyn isn’t coming over today.  Sharyn isn’t coming over because a) we are here and can help out and b) Sharyn’s grandchildren are here and she wants to spend time with them.  Though given that Sharyn is the only thing keeping her out of a nursing home, it’s a good thing she likes her.

And yet, my head cold rages on.

We made it.  Grandma is still grandma, if flakier and more frail.  Nothing unexpected – she’ll be 87 in a week and has never had a healthy habit in her life.  The fact that she is still alive is amazing, though I would have to say that one good fall with a broken bone, and she’d be toast.  In talking w/Sharyn it’s agreed all around that the “caregiving crew that can’t be called caregivers” needs to be expanded and we’ll be working on that.  The biggest problem is when she is alone, no one gets any peace.  Whenever something pops into her head, she goes to the phone – it’s a pure reflex at this point for her, not a conscious decision, which results in her making everyone else crazy.

This is probably also the last Christmas she’ll have any clue who we are.  Kinda sad, but again, hardly unexpected.  I’d say it could be her last Christmas here on earth, but we’ve been saying that for the last 10 years.

The calendar says it’s Christmas Eve, but you couldn’t prove it by me – the biggest downer of being here at Christmas is that it has never, ever felt anything like Christmas.  Everything that makes Christmas what it is to me is back home, not here.  So, that part fairly well sucks, but it is what it is.  (And though I have fears to the contrary, my grandmother will not live forever and I’ll have many years of finally doing Christmas my way.  Just not this year.)

On the upside, we have made a few brilliant decisions this trip.  The first being the hotel.  (Mad props to my brother for coming up with this idea in the first place.)  We’re at the Renaissance Grand over in Glendale, and it’s really nice.  It’s right next to the town center which has a bucketload of restaurants, the hockey arena and a movie theater – and people under the age of 60.  And given that it doesn’t seem that Phoenix is a big Christmas destination, we got a really good deal on the room to boot.

The second brilliant decision was in making the travel days separate from any interaction with my grandmother.  (This comes from my last trip out here.)  It may sound harsh, but I can deal with US Airways, or my grandmother, but not both in the same day.  Just isn’t going to work.

Last but not least – deciding to fly out of Dulles instead of National.  Amazing how when you decide you will take flights that are convienent for YOU and not anyone else, things are a lot easier.  I hadn’t flown out of Dulles in 10 years and I was blown away at how much better it is than National.  Between having many hours in the morning to get the pets to the kennel (*sob*) and not having to take a death cab to the metro and fight with that ridiculousness (and I’m not even sure our metro station was open) and deal with the service impaired folks at National – it was actually a stress free travel day.

I’m still kicking myself a bit for the length of this trip – we could probably leave day after tomorrow and it wouldn’t make a difference at all in my grandmother’s mind.  But her shrieks of “you won’t be here long enough to get everything done!” from years past kept ringing in my ears as I made the reservations…  Ah well, lessons learned.  (I think I’ll have it all figured out about a week after she dies.  If she ever dies.)

Thanksgiving is just around the corner!!!

I think it’s pretty much my favorite holiday, and I’ll admit, I like it a lot better when I’m single.  No travel, no pretending to like green bean casserole or that sweet potatoes with melted marshmallows on top are not an affront to nature.  No getting sucked into someone else’s family dramas.  Did I mention NO TRAVEL?

I get to make up a whole mess of food, eat way more in one day than any healthy person should, and watch a bunch of football.  It’s the ultimate selfish I-get-to-do-it-MY-WAY holiday. :)

And I’m thankful that I’m smart enough to appreciate it.

And now I have to go find a turkey.

So, about mid-way through last year’s Christmas visit to PHX, it was decided that we would stay in a hotel this year.  The condo is just too small, the sleep deprivation is too much for me, and neither one of us can maintain any measure of grace or dignity in dealing with my grandmother if we can’t get out of there for at least a little bit each day.

Now, given how my grandmother is, I told Donald that HE had to tell her that we’d be in a hotel.  I’m just really, really tired of being the bad guy.  Well, she was quite happy to hear we would be in a hotel.  Yup, shocked the hell out of me, since in the past she’d been all about us staying with her.

To be honest, I’m not really sure she’s super keen on us visiting in the first place.  But honestly, I don’t know what the protocol is on that, and I suspect that despite the fact I’d much rather have Christmas here at home, there is some rule that, “You go visit because it’s family regardless of whether or not anyone actually wants it.”  (Stupid rule if you ask me.)

Now, karma is a bitch and my brother & I doing the happy hotel dance in the middle of the living room was countered by a flurry of calls between 2:30 and 3:00 am…  At least she was chipper, and did acknowledge it was a bit late to be calling.  (She has long since ceased even trying to remember what time it is here and admits as much, but this was a record.)

But then again, “Sorry the world is so fucked up that we have to have Veterans” day is a bit of a mouthful.

Thank you for all you do.

And sorry about the mattress sales.  So damn undignified.

I just saw a piece on the news about mothers that feel guilty for being “bad” (ie, not perfect) Moms.

My Mom wasn’t perfect and had no hang ups about not being perfect.  If she did, I’m quite certain we’d all have been miserable.

I cannot tell you how many time she told us “go play in the traffic”…  And some days I am sure she wasn’t kidding.

With my Dad in the Navy, she got to do a lot of parenting on her own, and did it spectacularly well – I feel like the answers to most any problem can be solved by asking, “OK, how would Mom would have handled this?”

You can’t ask for more than that from a Mom.

And to all my friends with kids who are fretting over getting it all right – it’s OK to tell them to go play in the traffic.  Or say, “I don’t want to hear the word ‘MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM’ unless someone is bleeding.”  Or just deciding that Kraft Mac & Cheese with hot dogs is going to be dinner because everyone likes it and sometimes it’s just easier to make something everyone likes that to try to be culinarily adventurous with toddlers.  They’ll be fine.

Yes, it’s another great American drinking holiday – Cinco de Mayo, where we co-opt a historical day from another country so we can buy Coronas by the bucket.  God Bless America.

Just a tip – if you do not normally drink for 6-12 hours straight on a regular basis, the fact that today is Cinco de Mayo is not going to suddenly enable you to accomplish said feat.  Trust me, it will not end well, and the odds are good that you will wake up with a 3 day hangover on a stranger’s couch, missing a shoe and wondering when and why you thought it was a good idea to dye your hair purple.

¡Buena suerte!