CafeChatNoir

Really, there are days I do wonder if someone whispered that curse over my crib in the nursery.

Over the past couple days, I’ve discovered that I am once again jumping every time the phone rings.  Then I remind myself I don’t even know who is calling and I should take a breath – except for the fact that I pretty much have to answer the phone anyway.  The level of consistency in Caller ID numbers with regards to the care center and hospice leaves much to be desired.

So, note to whomever has 410-321-58** – oh for the love of all that is good and holy, I told you that you have a wrong number three times, STOP CALLING ME.  This is why your number goes straight to voicemail every time now.  (Yes, I know that 410 is Maryland, but I also regularly receive phone calls from Phoenix with a Minnesota area code, so area codes are fairly meaningless anymore.)

I have figured out that while the hospice nurses do not always call from a “restricted” number, all “restricted” number calls come from them.  (Do not get me started on this.  HIPPA be damned, I am the MPOA, you should damn well show the number you are calling from.  If you are concerned about calling a wrong number and giving away info, then you need remedial phone dialing training.  If you are worried that I will call when you are not on-duty, put your phone on silent.)

So, the phone rang, I jumped, saw the “restricted”, my heart sank, and I answered the phone.  Yup, hospice nurse manager just giving an update – which was that my grandmother still had pneumonia and that she was seriously tired and no one was even remotely inclined in doing anything but letting her sleep…  I was SO good and resisted the urge to respond with, “Well, DUH, she’s near 89 years old with end-stage dementia and pneumonia, she might not be chomping at the bit to make a badminton match, so yes, LET HER SLEEP.”  I’ve already had to go a few rounds of reassurance in the past of, “If she’s sleepy and you choose to let her sleep, that is OK.  It’s best to not go poking badgers with spoons.”  I have personal experience of waking her up when she wasn’t in the mood to get up.  Trust me, while it was satisfying to finally be able to retaliate for all the times she woke me & my brother up at the crack of dawn for no good reason, it still wasn’t pretty.

The amount of snark I have to contain when it comes to my grandmother convinces me yet again that I am SO not cut out for this.  It is (and has been) a serious situation, and yet I fall back on inappropriate humor pretty much every damn time.  Somehow I cannot help but  think that everyone that is dealing with eldercare issues always has a calm, measured, appropriate response for everything – and I never quite seem to have that – or I have to choke back several completely inappropriate responses while trying to come up with the appropriate one.

That all being said, I have to thank her for holding out until the end of the semester, especially since I nearly dropped my classes when she had her bad spell the week before classes started.  Makes me wonder if Sharyn told her Donald was taking classes and not me. ;)

Honestly, I really cannot figure out if I am totally cut out for this whole eldercare (or really elder-paperwork-care) misadventure or of I am the last person on the planet that should be tending to these things.

Got the mailbox opened.  Maybe not with 100% of the paperwork, but at least with 90% + 10% acceptable-in-the-right-eyes paperwork.  (I didn’t work with the same person today as yesterday and I played on that like nobody’s business.)  On that triumph, I got the phone shut off as well, even though I did not have the account number handy, even though I was told that it was like, seriously, totally required.   (I *never* have the account number for the phone when I need it, cause CHRIST, I HAVE THE PHONE NUMBER!)

All this just makes me think it’s not about breaking the rules so much as working with people who don’t necessarily know what the rules are in the first place and who also think there is no reason you would lie to them in the first place.  Not that I just go about lying to everyone I encounter, but I have found that there are a few places where mild deception helps grease the wheels.

I truly hate lying.  I really do.  My grandmother’s decline has taught me that sometimes you need to lie out your ass, and it’s kind of OK as long as it’s for the greater good and not hurting anyone.  I remain truly unconvinced that I am not going to hell for it, but I get the necessity of it.  Still don’t like it that much.  Still don’t like that I am much better at fabricating pretty untruths now than I was this time 3 years ago.

And, here’s the rub:  I have a Durable Power of Attorney!  With pretty much every possible contingency signed off on by my grandmother!  I have the legal authority to Get Shit Done.   Given that she lives in God’s Waiting Room, you’d think the general populous would be more familiar with a DPOA, and yet… they all look like a deer in the headlights when I whip it out and try to explain that Granny ain’t exactly in a traveling way, and I have the legal authority to tend to her various and sundry stuff, such as her mail, or bills, or whathaveyou , and she is not going to show up at their front door wielding fountain pen to sign off on whatever it is I have come to request.  Because if she COULD come forth and harass them, she certainly wouldn’t in a million years need me to do it for her.

I’m still leaning towards wholly unqualified for this particular adventure.

You’re running a care center. The bed alarm for one of your residents is too sensitive and goes off when she rolls over in bed at night. This has caused the resident across the hallway to complain. What do you do?

A) Tell the complaining resident to suck it up and deal.
B) Look for other alarm options that will not go off unnecessarily while not compromising patient safety.
C) Remove the alarm altogether as a stop-gap measure while waiting on permission to move said resident to another hall, under the guise of “she might like it better there.”

If you answered C, come forward so I can punch you.

If you answered B, nicely done. Feel free to slap anyone you know that would answer C.

If you answered A – well, it’s understandable, but doesn’t really address the underlying problem.

Yes, that’s why the care center wanted to move my grandmother. The bed alarm has now been replaced with a clip-on alarm so she can move about in bed and not set it off. This had to be suggested by someone WHO DOESN’T EVEN WORK THERE. No, I have no idea where their problem solving skills are. (I will be combing through her charts to see if I can find out whose brilliant idea it was to remove the alarm altogether.)

These folks really don’t seem to understand that I AM checking up on them, and I am not going to be pushed around just to make their life easier. I’ve not had the easy end of the grandma stick for 38 years, they can certainly learn how to deal with it for a little while.