CafeChatNoir

No, no, it’s not “don’t cheat on your wife” – that would be too easy.

We have learned that if you do cheat on your wife, and then get in a fight with her, for the love of God, don’t back your car into a fire hydrant when storming out of said fight.

And don’t leave your golf clubs just sitting around.

Like many people in the world, I hit happy hour more than a few times a week. The only difference is that my happy hour starts at 2330 hours rather than 1730. I simply run on a different time loop than about 90% of the DC Metro area.

Now, when one takes the late shift, there is a better than good chance that you’re going to run into someone that started their happy hour at 1730 and is still going at it full bore at 0100 hours. Can’t really judge on that one either – it is what it is. We all have bad days. However, this has given me a few insights. One of them being that most of these folks seem to be from the defense contracting sector of the beltway world. (Perhaps just a inevitable issue of living where I live…but it tends to not happen with non-govt-contractors, so I cannot help but sense a trend. Possibly a weird coincidence, but I think not.)

That all being said, I can remain quite unfazed when someone walks up and says, “I’m quite inebriated, but…” Because I could tell you were six sheets (yes, twice the traditional three sheets) to the wind even before you opened your mouth. I will certainly not be offended by the fact that alcohol may have helped you walk up to someone you don’t even know and say something complimentary. Let’s face it, alcohol is essentially liquid Xanax when consumed in sufficient amounts. (And a hell of lot easier to wean yourself off when you don’t need it anymore.)

However, there comes a point where you’ve just had one Vodka Xanax too many. And you’re describing in Cinemax-worthy detail of the ways in which you would be a GREAT boyfriend. (Or the ways in which you *think* you’d be a great boyfriend.) That is when you’ve crossed the line from “courage to talk to a stranger” to “courage to be a total freaking idiot in front of a complete stranger”… This is the point I will create an invisible super-awesome boyfriend out of whole cloth if needed. (And oh yes, I will do that if I have to. I am not above that kind of deception when required.) Or an invisible boyfriend based on a real person who I know will go along with the story if needed*… And trust me, said invisible boyfriend will be all that and a bag of chips, far and away beyond anything you think you can offer. If you’re lucky this is the point where your spectaculary more sober friend will come up and distract you with something shiny before you embarass yourself any further. (And apologize profusely for your behavior. And 5 minutes later will say, “Crap, I lost him again!”)

I will not argue that alcohol can be an excellent social lubricant. There have been countless social and pseudo-social events I have attended over the years that have been made exceptionally more tolerable with a dirty goose martini to kick things off. But really guys, you need to know where that line is – and stay on the right side of it. Or at least have friends that will keep you from speaking to any strangers when you go careening sideways over said line.

Just sayin’…

*Thank you, twas a lifesaver.
Black 47: The Reels

Yes, it’s another great American drinking holiday – Cinco de Mayo, where we co-opt a historical day from another country so we can buy Coronas by the bucket.  God Bless America.

Just a tip – if you do not normally drink for 6-12 hours straight on a regular basis, the fact that today is Cinco de Mayo is not going to suddenly enable you to accomplish said feat.  Trust me, it will not end well, and the odds are good that you will wake up with a 3 day hangover on a stranger’s couch, missing a shoe and wondering when and why you thought it was a good idea to dye your hair purple.

¡Buena suerte!

If you exercise regularly (or even not so regularly) you may know that a really good workout can leave you in a happy-sleepy-euphoric state.  (Especially if there is swimming involved, at least for me.)

Now, if it is a late evening workout, there’s nothing wrong if you decide to pop by the pub on the way home for a pint and a to-go order of wings, especially since you’re probably not feeling like whipping up a hot recovery snack when you get back to the old homestead.

Just keep in mind that no amount of happy-sleepy-post-exercise-euphoria can make your chapped lips withstand hot wings…

I’d write more, but I have to go drink a quart of milk and slather a block of lard on my lips and hope the pain stops in the next 24 hours or so.