CafeChatNoir

First, I’ll be perfectly honest – I thought JD Salinger was already dead. But hey, that’s what you get when you become a recluse.

I read Catcher in the Rye in high school. I didn’t have to read it for a class, though. (It’s weird, it seems most of my English classes didn’t have the traditional reading lists, and every year I’d get, “Didn’t you read this last year?” “No.”  Made college fun, too.)

But, I read it anyway. Personally, I found it to be a victim of the hype. It seriously had zero impact on me.  This could be an indicator that I was a complete unfeeling bitch at the time, but all I remember thinking was, “Your life sucks, we get it.”  I really could not fathom what the big deal was over the whole thing.

Whatever your point may have been JD, it was lost on me.  Sorry about that.

Despite the somewhat unfortunate name, the iPad looks incredibly cool.

From what I can tell, it looks a bit like a cross between a Kindle and an iPhone, which again – incredibly cool. However, having no need for a Kindle or an iPhone, I also have no need for a combination of the two. But I almost wish I did, cause damn, it is shiny! The price points run from $499 to $829 right now, but I do wonder when it will change. (Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that Apple tends lower their price points pretty quickly. Could be my imagination though.)

But, if you’re an AT&T subscriber, enjoy your bandwidth while you have it, because they are once again partnering with AT&T, and I just
can’t say I have any faith in AT&T to be able to keep up with the demand if this thing turns out to be really popular.

Still…SHINY!!!

As you know, I am the Chairman and CEO of “Keep Grandma Out Of A Nursing Home, Inc.” Like any startup, the first 18 months were hell – one cranky client, no suppliers, on call 24/7 and spending most of my time beating my head into a wall and tearing my hair out. Then, things finally started to come together, reliable help was found, I get to sleep through the night again, and things are running almost in a manner that could be considered “smooth”. This is the point in the business cycle where another enterprise comes along and buys me out for a ridiculous sum of money.

UnitedHeath and HCA – I’m looking at you guys. You both made some nice profits last year, and after all – I am your competition! Let the bidding wars begin.

In other news, my neighbor just called and asked, “So, do you know where your dog is?” “Um, I’m betting he’s not in the backyard like I think he is…” Seems the side gate blew open and he had himself a little adventure. At least he doesn’t go far afield when this happens, and it was just a matter of opening the door and saying, “Ohh, Moxley?” and he was back in and barking at the cats.

ProTip: If you have less than great depth perception, and lack grace & coordination – stay away from things that can hit you in the head – like doors. My temple is STILL hurting from whacking my head on the door yesterday. (Seriously, how the hell do you walk into a door?)

Cause I’m not feeling it just yet. Could just be the sucky weather reports for the next couple days, but it’s just not been a whole lot better than 2009.

The back window in my car has decided that it doesn’t want to work anymore, which would normally be something that I’d simply leave alone for another time, but unfortunately, the window is open about an inch and a half, and as such, actually needs to be tended to. So, I’m looking at being carless for a couple days and that annoys me, too.

There was a 6.1 magnitude aftershock in Haiti today. WTF, Mother Nature, didn’t have enough fun with the first one?

It’s sounding more and more like the health care legislation may be dead, so yay, I can look forward to my premiums continuing to rise unabated, despite my decent health and fabulous looks, and then being cancelled if I ever have to actually use it.

I have taken to turning off the ringer on the phone in my bedroom and leaving my cell phone downstairs at night because I’m done with answering tax question calls from my grandmother at 3AM. (She has a little problem with boundaries and bothering to look at clocks.) I’m pretty sure this makes me a bad person, but I need sleep to effectively be the CEO of “Keep Grandma out of a Nursing Home, Inc.” and she certainly has no problems picking up the phone during the day.

On the upside, the animals are all quite well. Carmen decided to have herself a good old fashioned feline crazy this morning and was chasing me, the dog, invisible bugs, and anything else that caught her eye. However, the Christmas tree is a little worse for the wear for her fun this morning. She is happily sleeping on my lap as I type this, which thrills Moxley to no end, because it means she is not in his crate. He was not having a super awesome time this afternoon as he couldn’t sleep in his crate because Carmen was in it (why he won’t just walk in and sit on her is beyond me) and Lily kept trying to sleep on his tail and feet. (She LOVES him and is also just a little obsessed with his feet.)

So yeah 2010 – I’m just not impressed so far. We’re stuck with each other for 11+ more months, so let’s get it together, shall we?

You stepped in it again, basically telling an impoverished country that they have no one to blame but themselves for a horrid natural disaster.  Uncaring, unfeeling, and most certainly, unChristian to say the least.

Why couldn’t you have said something like this?

“First, what a terrible tragedy to befall the Haitians.  They are in our prayers.

Second, given that I can marshal some pretty impressive resources with a snap of my fingers, here’s what we’re gonna do.  First,we’re gonna charter some bigassed airplanes.  The biggest that can land at the Port Au Prince airport.  The first one we’re gonna load up with doctors and medical supplies.  The second one will have MRE’s, bottled water and water purification kits.  Third one will be new, clean clothes.  (No Tennessee Lane Kiffin shirts, either.)  The fourth one, we’re gonna go clear out the entire stock of tents and camping equipment at REI, cause a tent is still better than nothing.  And generators.  And we’ll grab some of those kids that work at REI so we’ve got people who know how to put the tents together.

Once we’ve got everyone fed, safe and in clean socks and underwear, we’re gonna start sending planes filled with building equipment and as many retired Seabees as we can get our hands on and start fixing things.”

But no, you decided to go with the, “It’s your own damn fault for making a pact with Satan” approach.  Yeah, I guess you could have easily gone either way.

I woke up this morning in a house that was still standing, in a town that has an actual working infrastructure, I can easily locate all my friends and family, and I can just walk to my kitchen and get myself a cup of coffee and lunch.

I’m light years ahead of the folks in Haiti today. I cannot even imagine what you would do when you lose everything – and to top it all off, there’s nowhere you can go because everything else is destroyed too.  Where do you even start?  Hope someone has an extra tent and that there is some food somewhere that isn’t under a collapsed building?  How do you even decide it’s worth it to go on, especially somewhere like Haiti, where life was no great shakes to begin with?

Yeah, my cranky furnace and tempremental toilet handles really aren’t much of an issue.

Yeah, I know, it’s technically Tuesday, but the muse is still on PHX time.

– Carmen is about 91% back to normal. She still looks at the ceiling fans with a suspicious eye, but is back to hanging out in the living room, and decided food was the winner in the fear of ceiling fan vs. eating in the bedroom. It may seem silly that it worried me as much as it did, but it’s just a tiny bit heartbreaking to not be able to explain that the ceiling fan is not a predator. Lily still looks at the ceiling fans and then looks at me with an expression of, “Seriously, I don’t get the issue here.” Or it’s, “WTF, why is the fan off?” I’m not quite sure which it is.

– Is it wrong that when I come in and want to know where the kittens are I say, “Where are my single ladies?!” and then sing a few bars from Beyonce’s Single Ladies song? They do show up when I sing it. (And I use the term “singing” loosely.)

– Sharyn* called today, and I’ll admit my first thought when seeing her number on the Caller ID was, “WTF has my grandmother done???” Yes, I know I’m going to hell for that. But, it was just an update. First being that the hot water heater is ON – and to expect some calls about that. (I couldn’t even get her to voluntarily leave it on when we stayed with her. So I just turned it on and didn’t tell her.) But, she’s not been super great about showering of late, for several understandable reasons that I am completely speculating upon because she won’t actually tell anyone:

a) Afraid she’ll fall & hurt herself
b) Not like she’s out running a marathon
c) Doesn’t give a rat’s ass, cause she’s 87 years old
d) Hot water costs money

But Sharyn is getting her a shower seat (the shower has a built in bench, but she could quite easily slide right off it it – hell, *I* could slide off it were I not paying attention) and will be there so my grandmother knows if she has any issues, help is immediately there. (And as Sharyn said, “Hell, if she wants me to get naked too, I’ll do it.” God bless this woman.)

Additionally, we’d previously talked about Meals on Wheels for more hot food options**, but they’re kind of insistent on “coming in & helping” and my grandmother just is NOT comfortable having strangers about (which I think is a good thing) and Sharyn did a little more poking around and one of the local hospitals does a pretty kick ass meal plan that can be picked up, which is better for all helping out. Given my grandmother’s good financial situation***, it will cost……$4 a meal. Christ, our Chinese takeout tonight cost way more than that. And she was reading one of the menus to me – Swiss steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, salad & milk. Hell, where do *I* sign up for that?

I’m very glad she found this, cause she has been cooking up things to take over to my grandmother, which is awesome, but I’m really glad to have this off her plate (so to speak) because I do worry that she’s doing too much already, despite her protestations to the contrary.

* The angel sent from heaven to Sun City to prevent me from tossing my grandmother into the middle of traffic on Bell Road.
** My grandmother would live on sandwiches & ice cream if left to her own devices. I am at the point of “Whatever the hell she wants” but I am outvoted, LOL. She will eat *anything* you put in front of her, but will never admit that she’d like anything beyond sandwiches & ice cream. As I have said before, she’s taken self deprivation to an art form.
*** I have told my grandmother on more than a few occasions that if I had her resources at her age, I’d be ordering Lobster Thermador & a Cabana Boy every night. I will be getting the contact info for this hospital meal plan and a nice donation will be made so they can help a few more people who *can’t* afford it, because frankly, she’s being ridiculously undercharged for this service.

And it would seem that it’s Carmen. Yesterday morning I heard her go skittering off the little food table in the bedroom and under the bed. Didn’t really think anything of it, as she’s not always graceful and she splits her time about 50/50 between under the bed and on the bed.

What I did not realize until later was that apparently she looked at the ceiling fan and went “OMG, spinning blades of death from above!” I figured this out when she wouldn’t come into the living room, and when she got near the entry to the room, she wouldn’t take her eyes off the ceiling fan…

She will come into the living room briefly and look up and then decide, “Um, no, this isn’t working for me” and back to the dining room she goes. Other than that, she’s acting completely normally. With the bedroom, she’s now splitting her time between the walk-in closet and under the bed with the dog.

I really, REALLY hope she can get over this soon, because
a) I will need to have the fans on when summer comes around,
b) I miss having my lapcats, cause Lily is enjoying the dining room with Carmen, and
c) I don’t want her to be scared for the rest of her life – she’s too sweet to be scared.

Christ, in what I can only describe as being seriously self obsessed, the Australian arm of the fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken has had to withdraw an advertisement after accusations of racial insensitivity from AMERICANS who saw the ad on the internet.

It showed a white cricket fan trying to pacify a group of rowdy West Indian fans by handing around fried chicken.

Good grief, way to be morally superior and absolutely idiotic at the same time for not being able to take into account the fact that THE REST OF THE WORLD ISN’T LIKE US, and not everyone is offended by the same things we may be offended by.

Oh and the fact that the team in question WASN’T FROM the deep south of the US*, and therefore any unfortunate stereotypes of African Americans & fried chicken most likely don’t even apply in the first place.

I will not even enter the debate over KFC itself. It’s awesome in it’s own perfect way. (The number of times I have sent out SO’s or family members for a 3 piece with mashed potatoes & coleslaw when I’m feeling under the weather is proof itself.)

*I’m not saying that there aren’t cricket clubs in the states that are considered the “deep south” of the US. I have no doubt that there are cricket clubs all over the United States. But this ad didn’t have a team from Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, South Carolina or any other state that might be considered the “deep south” in the United States. It was the WEST freakin INDIES.

About 20 minutes ago the power went out. At last check there were 3500 customers without power in the area because a circuit breaker apparently did it’s job and broke. Estimated time of restoration? 5:00PM, which isn’t too bad, except for the fact that it is 38 degrees out and it’s a tad chilly to not have heat. Gas furnaces are great, unfortunately the blower requires electricity.

This is why I begged my mother to put in a gas oven/range when she remodeled the kitchen. I could at least reheat my lunch that way. We do at least have hot water, so I can continue to make coffee. (Lunch will be Christmas chocolates.)

The dog is rather unnerved by the silence and has gone outside to look for squirrels to bark at. The cats simply don’t give a damn.

As if that wasn’t fun enough, the handle on one of the toilets just broke off in my hand. I went through the spare parts inventory and it seems I managed to break a piece we don’t have an extra part for.

Maybe it’s just time to start pouring Jamesons in the coffee…

I’ve decided this is going to be a good year come hell or high water. New decade and all that happy horseshit.

-2 Furnace died
+1 Little bro has a rockin’ little space heater
-1  Spent most of the morning in bed cause it was the warmest place in the house (though that could be a positive…)
+1  Furnace fixed
-1 Furnace not fixed for free (never is, but one can dream)
+1 Leftover hashbrown casserole for lunch
+1 Got in a workout today
+1 My grandmother has not called to complain about anything today
+2 Took a good look in the mirror and other than one unfortunate crease in my forehead, I’m not looking my age today.

Net +3. Not a half bad day. Now, if I can just keep this trend up for the rest of the year, things should be good.

Went out to watch the end of the Jets/Bengals game last night, got home and thought, “Damn, it’s chilly in here.  That wind just comes right through the house.”

Not quite.  The furnace had died again.  Fanfuckingtastic.

Get the guys out today and the limit switch which had been the initial suspect the last time we had problems had in fact finally up and died.  So, we have a new one and warm air coming out of the vents again.

Now, there are some good things to come of this.  First, it didn’t happen while we were out of town.  Second, I discovered my brother has a very nice little space heater which kept me & the kitties warm last night.  (The dog didn’t even notice.)  Third, we have a quote for coil cleaning which was quite a bit cheaper than I expected, and should prevent any future wonkiness with the furnace.  (And even though it isn’t cheap, it’s much cheaper than a new furnace.)

But still, I’m so much better suited to apartment life.

And sometimes that means rescheduling Christmas.  This certainly isn’t the first time it’s happened, as I seem to recall being signed out of school sometime in February/March one year with my mother signing the “reason for absence” as “Going home to have Christmas.”  (Mind you, we were in a predominantly military area and the lady in charge of the book didn’t even blink an eye over it, as she knew which boats were coming home and when.)

Tomorrow is our Christmas.  And I’ll fully admit that I am positively bouncing off the walls over it tonight like a six year old.  The stockings are overflowing and I have not one but TWO presents that little bro didn’t have on his Amazon.com wishlist.  (Not that he would mind getting nothing but items that were on his wishlist, but it’s really fun to find things that he hasn’t called out ahead of time!)

We’ll be doing Christmas brunch with hashbrown casserole, bacon, egg casserole, and Mimosas.  (From what I have heard, 2 casserole/hot dish items might make us Lutheran – if that is the case, so be it – I do love a really good hot casserole.  Kelly – you can tell me for sure on this aspect!)  And later as we watch college football and ACC basketball (and possibly the arrest of my godmother*)  there will be sausage cheese balls, pastrami/swiss pinwheels, and given how hungry we are, spanokopitas, mini quiches, mini crabcakes, and pigs in blankets…  (I tend to ensure there is about 6x more food than we actually need for any holiday eating event.)

If there is stuff under the tree for me tomorrow – AWESOME!  If not?  Who cares??!?  Cause I get to be Santa for my brother and my pets.  (Yes, the pets get Christmas presents – it’s the only way I can use the “Santa is WATCHING!” excuse to get them to behave.)

I think it was sometime in high school or college that Christmas went from “OMG, getting cool stuff!” to “OMG, giving cool stuff to everyone else!!!!” and I’m so glad that it flipped over whenever it did.  Cause Christmas became SO MUCH MORE FUN when I hit that point.  And looking back at every Christmas when my parents said, “I think we went overboard this year,” I really do understand – because it’s so ridiculously fun to go overboard for everyone else!

Merry Christmas, all – even if it is a tad behind schedule.

*She claims her potential appearance on Centre Court is legit – we’ll know for sure if the announcers do/do not speak of a “fan disturbance” incident.  :)

Music of the Moment: Bob Dylan, Must Be Santa.

First, I have to thank my dog for always making me feel better about myself.  This morning as I made my coffee, I looked at the dog & kittens and said, “OK, what shall we all work on this year?”

Kittens: “What is this ‘work on’ thing you speak of?  We are perfectly cute, there is nothing to ‘work on’.”
Me: “Good point.”

I looked at Moxley.
“Well Mox, you’re the awesomedog and really, there isn’t a thing you need to work on either.  Guess it’s just me that needs to improve.”
Mox: *UUURRRRRPPPP* as he barfs.  (Fortunately in the kitchen, easy cleanup.)
Me: “Aww, OK, that’s nice of you.  You can work on not drinking your water too fast and then running around like a banshee and barfing.”

Beyond the dog not barfing up his water and the cats continuing their quest for world domination via cuteness, there are some other things I’d love to see in 2010.

– Lord Stanley’s Cup coming home with the Washington Caps.  (Who should be playing in the Winter Classic today, but NBC and the NHL are full of morons.)

– Civility in the political arena.  There is this really nifty concept where people “agree to disagree” on various subjects that works quite nicely in lieu of ridiculous name calling.  (Note to all parties: The minute you play the Nazi card, you automatically lose the argument.)

– For the economic recovery to actually make it down to regular people and not just Wall Street.  It’s great that the markets have come back, but until people can go to bed at night without worrying that they will lose their house/job/everything, the recovery isn’t complete.

– More reading.  I need to find my library card again.  (Or just suck it up and pay the $2 for a replacement, which will guarantee I find the old one.)

– More patience with my grandmother.  Things are only going to deteriorate, and she’s never going to get that prescription for Valium that the rest of us so very much need her to have.  On the flip side, I also need to remember she has never, ever called with an actual emergency, and she hasn’t died as a result of getting my voice mail instead of me, so the guilt needs to go out the window.  (Probably all easier said than done.)

– For the awesomedog & superkittens to continue to get along so incredibly well.  And for Moxley to not be quite so nervous when Lily is in “Oh Moxley, I LOOOOOOOOVE you!!” mode.   (Right now she is cuddled up next to him, on her back, fast asleep.  Shame she doesn’t feel secure around him.)

– To learn how to clip the cats’ nails.  I chickened out and had the kennel do it while we were in PHX.  (Which also reminds me, the kitty clippers were the item I forgot to get at PetCo yesterday.)  I suspect this may be the easiest of my 2010 endeavours.

– Improve my housekeeping skills.  OK, the skills are there, just getting off my lazy ass and doing it.  I just have a knack for finding a million things that are more interesting than cleaning.

– Finally, to find a bit of direction in my life beyond just keeping my grandmother from calling 911 to ask what day of the week it is.  I think this will be the most challenging task of this year, as my grandmother’s situation has become a bit all-consuming to me as I have been having a very hard time convincing myself that I do not have to make myself available 24/7, and this has put a real dent in my doing anything new or different.