CafeChatNoir

Let me start this off with a disclaimer of sorts.  I have a multitude of truly spectacular men in my life and I love them all and am so happy they all stumbled into my life.  (And you spectacular sorts all know who you are.)  But some of you gentlemen are just freaking stupid.  (At which point the use of the word gentleman is very generous, and idiot might be considered an acceptable substitute.)

The vast majority of gentlemen reading this already know all these guidelines, but sometime an occasional reminder isn’t the worst thing in the world.  And who knows, maybe this post will go viral and be of benefit to a larger audience.  And here we go:

1.  Should I take a moment to introduce myself to you at the local pub, it is because I am polite.  It does not mean that I want to have sex with you, or ever want to see you again.  It means that whether I’ve had 1 drink or 12, I still remember Roberts Rules of Parliamentary Procedure as well as every Emily Post and Miss Manners column I’ve ever read, and I am not a complete bitch on wheels.

2.  Should you have any interest in a woman, at some point the words, “So, are you involved?” really, REALLY need to come out of your mouth.  The sooner the better.  And don’t tell me I should just go about spewing out that information right off the bat – I have had many lovely conversations with people that simply wanted to have a nice conversation and there was no reason to announce my relationship status right out of the gate.  It also gives the lady in question a graceful out if needed.  And frankly, most people I know would prefer a graceful out rather than trying to create a graceful out from whole cloth.  (And dammit, I give guys the graceful out on many occasions, so there is no double standard in play.)

3.  Should you decide to buy me a drink, it does not mean that I will have sex with you.  (Especially should you choose to purchase said drink while I’m having a conversation with someone else about how buying drinks != sex.)  It’s not that I don’t appreciate the drink, but don’t read anything beyond the point where I say, “Thank you.”  Nor does it mean I will buy you a drink in return.  It doesn’t mean that I hate you, it simply means that I don’t feel the need to buy you a drink in return.  It’s not that I have not bought drinks for gentlemen in the past, because I have.  It means that if going to the pub was required to be net-zero game, I’d simply decline your offer and pay for my own drinks like I usually do, and save myself a hell of a lot of hassle.  Additionally, you are most certainly NOT allowed to be offended if you are not included in the last round that I pick up for a very few, very close, very normal, very good friends.  You already think you’re getting some for buying a Guinness, I’m certainly not going to do anything to further that delusion.

4.  If you have only known me for 20 minutes, other than a tap on the shoulder or a handshake, you are not allowed to touch me without invitation, other than accidentally bumping into me.  (I have yet to punch anyone out for inadvertently careening into me after tripping over a shoelace.  I do have a heart.)  Should you come up and decide it would be cute to flick my ear “to get my attention”, especially given that I’ve “known” you for a whopping 20 minutes, you are going to get a very cold lecture on how you do NOT touch a woman without express invitation.  Should you choose to be offended by this, once again, that is your problem, not mine, in any way, shape or form.  Frankly, you should consider yourself lucky that you still have all your teeth.

5.  I do love tattoos.  I love the artwork and meaning behind them.  I enjoy hearing the stories of why someone got a inked with a particular design.  I am always on the lookout for good tattoo artists as I really need to man up and get my MCM tat that I promised myself for not dying after 26.2 miles.  (2 years ago.)  If you have an armband and are wearing a button down shirt – I do understand that you’d have to unbutton said shirt to show it.  However, I have absolutely no desire to see any tattoo that requires that you remove your pants.  I don’t care if you’re wearing your Jockey’s – KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.  And by the by, I have several people who will instantaneously swear that the bar has a very strict pants-on rule, including the bartender.

6.  I have a very large contingent of de-facto bodyguards.  To be perfectly honest, they are as much for your protection as mine.  Over the past couple years, I have acquired several new brothers.  (Which is great, cause brothers are fun.)  They are kind, and sweet and awesome – and slightly protective of me.  But again, more for your protection than mine.  Because, if you’re seriously bothering me, do remember the fact that I am the closest person to you, and if I am really creeped out, I will gleefully (and I do mean gleefully) go on the offensive if I feel it is warranted.  Chances are my chevaliers will be preventing me from kicking out one of your kidneys rather than keeping you from bothering me any further.

So guys, just a few things to keep in mind to keep yourself from losing teeth or getting kicked in the groin by  a girl.

That all being said, do say “Hi.”  Cause if you don’t do anything ridiculously stupid, I’ll say “Hi” back.